sassy little back-talkers

Today my sweet little boys were abducted by aliens and replaced with sassy little back-talkers. They had no nap (although I tried every threat I could think of....they knew I would never follow through with the really creative ones). One only ate grapes and they both whined for cookies and candy canes incessantly. They didn't seem to buy my line of "Little children who beg for candy all day will loose their cuteness" or "We like to keep the teeth God gave us for as long as possible, this is not Nevada."
In the middle of my second cup of coffee at four p.m. I thought if I could put them in the car and drive around with the music full blast, I could not quite hear the whining and pray for sleeping in the back seat.
The sun would have already set, this is perfect.

I know this is a tried and true method for parents with the luxury of a car and some extra gas money. I have honestly never done it myself because of the guilt I might feel if while I was moving one sleeping 3 year old into the house.....the 3 year old I left in the car woke up screaming and shocked I really WOULD follow through with my nap time threats.

We dropped the Daddy off at work (so as to bring my car home later) and I put on some Jesus music hoping the themes of peace and obedience would soak in.

Of course they fell asleep within minutes.

It was dark and a light snow was falling. I am relaxed. So I took a few unfamiliar roads to prolong the quiet when a blizzard descended upon my car.

I thought "this is fun".

I realized I had no idea where I was. The street signs were invisible, I could not see more than 10 feet, and shame on me I had sleeping babies in the car. My first instinct was to interrupt the Daddy at work to help me find my way home.....feeling dumber, I have lived in this town for 6+years. Even if I don't call for help, if I pick up iPhone to GPS me back to my own house, I am admitting the dumbness.

only 20 minutes later.......

Thanks to some eccentric Christmas light decorating, I happened onto my driveway, and ice skated sleeping angels into the house.

stay-at-home-anything

Having been 90+ days since I was out, alone with my husband, I had a wonderful date of cheap food, walmart shopping, and loud music in the car.
I expected to feel rejuvenated, not so annoyed with my kids, and ready to make plans.
Instead I am angry I allowed those days to pass, extra paitentless and super pissed at all the people who I have to spend MY time making sure they do their jobs correctly and on time.
This is the reason being a "stay-at-home-anything" is a far from accurate discription of my position.
If I am in charge of everything, I cannot stay anywhere. I have to get out and make everyone else try harder...as hard as I try.

dreamy panic

Woke up this morning at 2:45 in a dreamy panic. I was crying and exhausted from searching for my sister, who's cry I could hear but could not see, in the hours before my consciousness. As I walked upstairs for something to drink, my heart was heavy and confused while I talked myself out of the dream state with prayers of peace and comfort for my sister.
I was so convinced, I almost called my brother-in-law S.M. to ask if anyone had found her yet.
Early this morning I read a text from my bff turned sister-in -law that the grandmother who had raised her, died this morning at 3:00.
I have no proof of lucid dreaming, or spirit travel, but I like to think that our connections and love for people transcend the laws of space we have agreed upon.

r.i.p busia, you have molded an amazing woman

Ironing Memories

I was lamenting about the piles of ironing I try to flatten every week, when I came across some linens of my grandmothers. As I pressed along the hand sewn hem I thought about my grandmother ironing. I don't remember her doing it, but her house was full of evidence that she cared about details. She had outlived her husband by 31 years when she fell on the floor alone in her home, unable to get to the phone. My uncle found her a day and a half later in the same position. Her children decided she needed full time care and moved her into a respite home. I wondered if she was aloud things from home to make her new space familiar. I knew my grandmother was being cared for, and I found myself worried about her house and all of the memories my brother and I had there growing up. After some time had passed it was clear my grandmother would need to sell her house. I had the opportunity to visit the house with my dad and pick out some meaningful objects. I had visited her that morning in the nursing home. I was sad for her and sad for me that she didn't recognize me. As I entered the familiar door I decided to remember her in this place, full of spark, and care for my brother and I. Walking room by room I imagined my things, the value they held to me and how I have cared for my home. I couldn't conceptualize the day when my sons would take me away from my things, maybe they would sell my memories, maybe they would remember the care I took to make their shirts crisp and their home special.
I really don't mind ironing.
I could be annoyed by all of the overlooked details I care about.
Today I love it and feel privileged to care for my family in the little ways.

Advice from people who have only raised girls.

Very dear grandma friend says to me today, concerning my almost 3yr old boys waking up every night/morning at 4:30am.....
"You just put them back in bed and say 'now close your eyes and I mean it!"
I smiled quietly, so as not to offend her, and I wondered what weapon she would have to hold to make those words work with any toddler boys.

A line I fantasize about using someday:

"Before you continue on this subject matter, I need to warn you I am mandated by my mom, sister and my best friend to tell them any and all information I find will get me a gasp or a laugh, even at your expense."

Today

Honor yourself, you are amazing.